Watched weird porn and now im feeling suicidal....


I made alot of threads about this before...... but i dont know what to do...Im going to keep this short....I masturbated to some disgusting shit...... when i was 17-18 i watched alot of porn and hentai everyday... i could say that i was addicted...so i seen ALOT of porn... every weird thing you can imagine...And i watched some stuff that i think i deserve to die because i watched it....First of all... i have never watched Child porn and i have never watched anything illegal...So now i will tell u the disgusting list of shit i masturbated to...I have fetish for feet and domination and big women and my fantasy is to be beaten up by a large woman :/I masturbated to a news report of a woman attacking a child.....they showed a video from security camera.... this is the thing i feel most guilty about.....i feel like a pedophile.... i got aroused because woman was attacking someone smaller than her.... i was obviously not attracted to the kid.... but i still feel like a pedophile....I masturbated to a video on liveleak that showed women killing a dog..... another awful thing.... I love animals.... and watching that was bad .... i 100% realise that..... and im disgusted with myselfThere was a giantess playlist on pornhub showing women dominating and stepping on action figures and stuffed toys.But in some videos they used baby dolls..... again... i feel like a pedo...I watched age difference hentai.... nothing with small children... just skinny teenagers being dominated by mature women... but i was also a teenager so i guess its not that bad....I feel suicidal and awful....... and i feel extremly guilty....I already confessed to 3 of my friends and they all said that it was just a stupid thing i did when i was a teenager.... and that as long as i havent watched anything illegal i should just forget about it....But i keep thinking about those videos every single day.... i cant even enjoy life again......OCD is telling me that im a pedo....... which i know is not true.... im attracted to tall and heavy women ......Now i watch normal BDSM porn on pornhub.... im disgusted with what i used to watch.... my friend told me it was okay to watch women step on dolls because they are just dolls...... but i still feel like its very fucked up because it was a baby doll....and the woman was doing sexuall stuff to that doll...... i dont even know why the fuck do they allow this shit on pornhub.....I know that it was natural to feel guilt over watching animals being killed..... i know what i did was disgusting......i just dont know how much guilt i should feel......I self harm and i have suicidal thoughts because of those videos..... I already scarred my thights for life.... Is it not enought ? What else can i do....... I watch normal porn and what i did before was me being a dumb teenager...... But OCD is torturing me because of this......... i feel like i deserve to die....... I try to help people.... i try to be a good person.... but i think that the fact that i watched that shit make me bad......Also, i cant start a relationship because i feel like a girl that wants to be with me deserves to know about those videos..... i feel like i should tell her......Im very sorry about being so open and disturbing.... but i already made so many threads......i didnt wanted to write a long story about everything again.......I feel like a rotted person.... i feel like i lost all my innocence by watching those videos.......Do you think that as long as i dont watch it anymore i should just forget about it and carry on with my life ?I also have severe OCD and BPD...... and if you think that what i did was really that bad as i think it is.... know that i already punished myself alot.... for 3 months im constantly in hell.... every day feels like a panic attack and every day im considering suicide..... i almost attempted a month ago...Also.... im not going to apologize what i did but..... i remember that when i was a very small kid my father made me watch gore videos to prove that im "strong" idk........ maybe its one of the reason why i like extreme domination...... But still.... what i watched was awful.. via /r/OCD https://ift.tt/2HGL9p3

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